The Grace Journal : baggage

The Choice to Carry Guilt

It has been while since have written here.

1 year and 1 day to be exact.

I have been sharing mainly on Facebook and Instagram, but have really been wanting to pour out more than you can really fit in those forums.

So...I am back to The Grace Journal and today...I want to talk about guilt.

Recently, I have come across 3 beautiful women in 3 different situations but all with one common denominator...

One girl talked about how her father committed suicide and it happened shortly after she was unable to make a visit to see him. She feels guilty because she feels she could have stopped him had she just made that visit.
Another was told by her doctor that she can not longer do certain activities because her body just isn't physically capable at the moment. She feels guilty because she was unable to reach her goal.
Another was an 82 year old women I met recently after a talk I gave. She pulled me aside and confided in me a secret she had only told her husband...that she had been raped at 14. She looked at me and said "Sometimes I still wonder what I did wrong that he would do that to me." She feel guilty because she feels she must have done something to deserve his violent attack on her person.

What do all these women have in common?

GUILT.

In Psalm 38:4, David laments "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear."

He describes guilt as a heavy burden and that is exactly what it is.

Guilt is a weight.

It creates walls between us and other.

It creates heartache that holds us hostage.

It creates distrust in ourselves.

But you know the difference between David and the three ladies I mentioned?

David was guilty over situations of his own doing.

These 3 ladies are carrying guilt over things that they have no control over.

Her father CHOSE to end his life...it was not her decision.

Her doctor told her that she could not meet her goal at this time...it was not her decision.

A man chose to rape a 14 year old girl....it was not her decision.

So here is my question....if it was not your decision....why carry the guilt?

Why do we assume the guilt of others as though it is our's?

There are things in our life that are beyond our control.

Bad things happen that we have no choice but we suffer the emotional fall-out that follows them.

Back in old testament times, there was a thing called a Guilt Offering.

It was used for a variety of purposes (you can read about it in detail in the book of Leviticus in the Bible), like legal guilt or emotional guilt and it could be a sacrifice on behalf one person or the community as a whole.

It consisted of a ram or bull killed, drained of it's blood and burned on the sacrificial alter in the tabernacle.

{Sounds gross right?!}

But how often do we do the same thing emotionally, mentally and spiritually?

We sacrifice our happiness on the altar of guilt.

We sacrifice our relationships on the altar of guilt.

We sacrifice our peace on the altar of guilt.

We sacrifice our future on the altar of guilt.

We sacrifice all these things on an altar that doesn't even exist any more.

Hebrews 10:10 says "...we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once and for all."

Jesus was the final sacrifice for our guilt....whether it be our personal guilt because of what we've done or the assumed guilt brought on by the actions of others.

If it wasn't your decision...it's not your guilt to carry.

Lay it down.

It might take intentionally laying it down everyday...every hour, but eventually you won't have to lay it down again, because you never picked it back up in the first place.

There are those who are struggling with infertility and you feel guilty because your body has betrayed you..but it was not your decision so it's not your guilt.

There are those who were abandoned by a father and you feel guilty for not having that relationship and for all the emotional fall-out HIS decision has caused you...but it was not your decision so it's not your guilt.

There are those of you who are going through a divorce because you spouse has decided to walk away and you are bearing the guilt of a failed marriage...but it was not your decision so it's not your guilt.

There are those of you who have been praying for and seeking answers for a loved one and THEY are still choosing a self-destructive path and you are feeling guilty because you feel if you could just DO MORE or SAY MORE or somehow REACH them...they could be saved...but...it's not your decision...it's their's...so it's not your guilt.

Let it go.

Lay it down.

Daily. Hourly. Every minute if need be.

Love yourself enough to know that you were worth dying for and the Jesus was your final guilt offering so that you have no need of carrying it anymore.

In His Love and By His Grace,

KERI

I'm a backpacker.

Not a granola eating, Birkenstock wearing, outdoor camping and enjoying it kinda backpacker.

I'm an emotional backpacker.

Even before my counselor used that term, I knew the concept well. When problems and feelings would arise, rather than deal with them, I would stuff them down inside...into my emotional backpack.

In the beginning...it was merely uncomfortable...like when you bring a purse that is too big and heavy on a long shopping trip. It's more annoying than anything, but you'll survive.

However, as time went on and my backpack got fuller and fuller of issues and hurt feelings and secrets, I began to stumble under the weight.

Once the weight became too much to bear...it began to control my life. It was my master.

My emotional baggage told me everyone would leave me, so don't get close. So I didn't.

My emotional baggage told me you have to be perfect or no one would love you. So I tried.

My emotional baggage told me you are unworthy. And I believed it.

My emotional baggage told me no one would miss me if I was gone so if I killed myself, I wouldn't matter. And I thought long and hard about doing just that.

I was a slave....controlled by my issues to the point for constant nerves, self-doubt and self-destruction.

After finding Christ, I had to make a decision: who was my master?

In Matthew 6:24 says it so well "No one can serve two masters. You will either love one and hate the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other."

Although this particular passage is in regards to money, the truth still holds: you can not truly love something if your attention is divided.

Why do you think Abraham Lincoln said "a house divided against itself can not stand." He understood the concept that division leads to death.

So you have to decide...what do you want from life: life or death? Light or dark?

For me, I had to make the decision to not just empty by emotional backpack, but to deal with the incidences in my life that led me to have those emotions in the first place.

It is a process that is still going on. I still see a counselor to talk through my past and some of my present. Some days are better than others, but I have made the choice to serve only one master...and it's not my emotions. All they've done it cause me heart ache and pain.

Instead, I am daily making the concious choice to allow Christ and his word to be my guide...my master if you will. And unlike being ruled by my emotions, Christ is not a heavy load.

Matthew 11:30 says "my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Ask yourself...who's master today?

In Love,

Keri