The Grace Journal : truth

Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts

The Choice to Carry Guilt

It has been while since have written here.

1 year and 1 day to be exact.

I have been sharing mainly on Facebook and Instagram, but have really been wanting to pour out more than you can really fit in those forums.

So...I am back to The Grace Journal and today...I want to talk about guilt.

Recently, I have come across 3 beautiful women in 3 different situations but all with one common denominator...

One girl talked about how her father committed suicide and it happened shortly after she was unable to make a visit to see him. She feels guilty because she feels she could have stopped him had she just made that visit.
Another was told by her doctor that she can not longer do certain activities because her body just isn't physically capable at the moment. She feels guilty because she was unable to reach her goal.
Another was an 82 year old women I met recently after a talk I gave. She pulled me aside and confided in me a secret she had only told her husband...that she had been raped at 14. She looked at me and said "Sometimes I still wonder what I did wrong that he would do that to me." She feel guilty because she feels she must have done something to deserve his violent attack on her person.

What do all these women have in common?

GUILT.

In Psalm 38:4, David laments "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear."

He describes guilt as a heavy burden and that is exactly what it is.

Guilt is a weight.

It creates walls between us and other.

It creates heartache that holds us hostage.

It creates distrust in ourselves.

But you know the difference between David and the three ladies I mentioned?

David was guilty over situations of his own doing.

These 3 ladies are carrying guilt over things that they have no control over.

Her father CHOSE to end his life...it was not her decision.

Her doctor told her that she could not meet her goal at this time...it was not her decision.

A man chose to rape a 14 year old girl....it was not her decision.

So here is my question....if it was not your decision....why carry the guilt?

Why do we assume the guilt of others as though it is our's?

There are things in our life that are beyond our control.

Bad things happen that we have no choice but we suffer the emotional fall-out that follows them.

Back in old testament times, there was a thing called a Guilt Offering.

It was used for a variety of purposes (you can read about it in detail in the book of Leviticus in the Bible), like legal guilt or emotional guilt and it could be a sacrifice on behalf one person or the community as a whole.

It consisted of a ram or bull killed, drained of it's blood and burned on the sacrificial alter in the tabernacle.

{Sounds gross right?!}

But how often do we do the same thing emotionally, mentally and spiritually?

We sacrifice our happiness on the altar of guilt.

We sacrifice our relationships on the altar of guilt.

We sacrifice our peace on the altar of guilt.

We sacrifice our future on the altar of guilt.

We sacrifice all these things on an altar that doesn't even exist any more.

Hebrews 10:10 says "...we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once and for all."

Jesus was the final sacrifice for our guilt....whether it be our personal guilt because of what we've done or the assumed guilt brought on by the actions of others.

If it wasn't your decision...it's not your guilt to carry.

Lay it down.

It might take intentionally laying it down everyday...every hour, but eventually you won't have to lay it down again, because you never picked it back up in the first place.

There are those who are struggling with infertility and you feel guilty because your body has betrayed you..but it was not your decision so it's not your guilt.

There are those who were abandoned by a father and you feel guilty for not having that relationship and for all the emotional fall-out HIS decision has caused you...but it was not your decision so it's not your guilt.

There are those of you who are going through a divorce because you spouse has decided to walk away and you are bearing the guilt of a failed marriage...but it was not your decision so it's not your guilt.

There are those of you who have been praying for and seeking answers for a loved one and THEY are still choosing a self-destructive path and you are feeling guilty because you feel if you could just DO MORE or SAY MORE or somehow REACH them...they could be saved...but...it's not your decision...it's their's...so it's not your guilt.

Let it go.

Lay it down.

Daily. Hourly. Every minute if need be.

Love yourself enough to know that you were worth dying for and the Jesus was your final guilt offering so that you have no need of carrying it anymore.

In His Love and By His Grace,

KERI

Today I have to write an email that scares me to death.

You see there is a person who doesn't understand why I don't want to have a relationship with them.

In the past, they have done things to hurt me and 4 years ago, I cut ties with them. Their words have always been "I didn't meant to hurt you.", but never admitting "I did wrong." Never admitting to what they did.

And for me...that is a brick wall.

I have forgiven them and am working on my own healing regarding the situation, but the idea of pursuing any kind of relationship with the person causes a near panic attack.

About a month ago, I received an email from them once again...not understanding my lack of "forgiveness" and my need for distance.

In the past, I have always tip-toed around things because I was scared of hurting the other person, but I have come to realize I am hurting someone anyway...myself.

Although, I have unpacked my emotional "backpack", they are all still lying around me, like land mines. The only way to finally sweep them away where they can't do any damage is to stop ignoring them and face my fears.

Ephesians 4:15 says we must speak the "truth in love" and I LOVE myself more now than I ever have in my entire life so I can no longer lie to myself and mute my feelings to protect others at the expense of freeing my soul from it's prison.

I will not be speaking in anger and I think that is why I am ready to take this step. Nothing good would come for me or them if I spoke only in anger.

Psalm 37:8 says "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it only leads to evil."

My purpose is not in evil or wrath...my purpose is in releasing the fear that this situation has held me in for 4 years so that I can stop holding on to the past and move forward.

Proverbs 4:25-26 says: "Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. "

I am choosing to look forward...and to do that...I can't be afraid and be a prisoner of my past anymore.

Today...I pray you will choose to love yourself enough to speak the truth to others in love, without fear or anger, so that your soul can be free from it's prison.

Until next time my friends,

KERI

How are you feeling today?

No...I don't mean physically...like are you still stuffed from all those yummy Thanksgiving foods? :)

I mean...how are you FEELING EMOTIONALLY?

It's a tough question for some.

As Christian (and even if you're not) some of us are programmed from childhood to see emotions through black and white lenses...good emotions are good...bad emotions are bad. Cut and dry...that's it.

And then what do we do? We stuff emotions such as anger, fear, depression, bitterness and hurt down deep inside because after all..."The JOY of the Lord is my strength" Nehemiah 8:10 says so every emotion must be happy or I am weak in faith.

Sound familiar?

I have recently started a book that my counselor recommneded called "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazzero and in chapter 2 he lists the top 10 Symptoms of Emotionally Unhealthy Spirituality.

Number 2 was: ignoring the emotions of anger, sadness and fear.

And there was this quote:

What exactly does it mean? Let's break it down.

To feel is human. Feelings are a natural part of our genetic make up. Our bodies are designed to release adrenaline when we are scared, serotonin when we are happy, leucine-enkephalin when we are sad and so many other hormones and chemicals that engrained within our bodies that all have to do with FEELINGS.

To minimize or deny what we feel. Minimize is to lower our emotional needs for the sake of someone else. Are there times this is necessary? Yes, but if it is a recurring theme in your life, the build up of back logged emotions can be hazardous physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. To outright deny they exist is taking the disaster of minimizing and multiplying it times 10.

This was me. My therapist and I use the analogy of a backpack. Instead of dealing with my issues, I denied they existed by stuffing them away and pretending they didn't exist, when all the while my mental/emotional "backpack" became heavier and heavier with these bricks of negative emotions that I began to stumble and there was little to no room for the good stuff.

Is a distortion. One of the 3 definitions of distortion is this: the act of giving a misleading account or impression {the other 2 definitions are science based.}

Of what it means to be image bearers. What is an image bearer? Simply someone who reflects back an image...a physical mirror if you will.

Of our personal God. This is where decisions need to made. Who/what is your personal God? Is your job? Is your status? Even our EMOTIONS can become our God if we choose to live in drama and only feel "alive" when you are needed as an emotional sounding board.

If you're a believer...your personal God is ..well GOD with a BIG G ad I've heard people say and you know what? Our God is an emotional God!

Here's a few examples:

"For GOD so LOVED the World..." John 3:16

"You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a JEALOUS God..." Exodus 20:5

"The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul HATES the wicked and the one who loves violence." Psalm 11:5

"I will REJOICE in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul." Jeremiah 32:41

If we are image bearers of God and HE has emotions (both positive and negative), then WHY do we feel the need to push our's down...to minimize or even deny them? They are a part of who we are just as much as our faith is.

The trick is to find BALANCE.

First Peter 5:8 says:

8 Be well balanced (temperate--aka self-controlled) be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring, seeking someone to seize upon and devour.

Satan would like nothing more than to have you RULED by your emotions rather than being a holy reflection of God given emotions.

Take a minute and write down the first 5 emotions that come to mind when you think about your life. Don't over think it...just be honest and write down whatever pops in. Now look at them...are any of them negative? Chances are...atleast 1 or 2 or maybe even more.

Pray on those. Ask God for guidance of why you are feeling that way. Is there a recent situation or a past issue you haven't dealt with?

Talk to someone you trust (not everyone is worthy of your business!) Lay out how you feel and maybe they can help you figure out why. Maybe you need someone with training, like a pastor or a counselor. And that's OK! Don't add fear to your list...we all need help from time to time.

Being healthy emotionally opens up doors to a better life, but we can't be if we don't acknowledge what is wrong.

Until next time.

Xoxo,

Keri

Ps. Here is the book I referenced:

PSS. As always...my image was made using the Rhonna Farrer iPhone App.

Hello Friends and welcome to The Grace Journal.

This is my place to just be me and I hope you will find it a place of openness and honesty...of passion and praise...of truth and hope.

It was never my intention to set out to do a blog like this. I have my artistic blog which I struggle to keep up (I would much rather be making things! Lol), but lately I've found myself posting words of encouragement and scriptures on Instagram more and more. I feel like I've reached the point where Instagram isn't enough space for what is on my heart and for the words God has given me.

So....here I am. Just a girl sharing her heart with you.

And today....my heart is more than a little broken.

Someone I love dearly is struggling fiercely and I must remain silent. I must walk the fine line between between not condoning and not condemning, while my soul screams out to try to "fix" the situation.

It hurts...deeply.

I am mad at God...how could he let this happen to her? I'm mad at others involved...how could they say they love her as much as I do, but allow this to happen? I'm mad at myself for not having the right words to say to "fix" it.

So I pray and remain silent. And I cry and remain silent. I am supportive as much as I can be and remain silent.

And I have to remember that I am in good company in my silence....even the son of God chose moments of silence.

In John 8:1-11, we find the story of the woman caught in adultry, where 2 seperate times, Jesus chose to be silent:

1) When the Pharisees brought the woman and wanted...no...demanded that Jesus judge her...Jesus was silent as he wrote in the dust.

I wonder...was he taking that moment to ask His father "What should I do?" Or was it far less spiritual and he was allowing the crowd a time to simmer down?

Both are very valid reasons...

Silence is the only was to hear from God. If you are always doing the talking...when are you listening?

And time...no situation is built in an instant so it will not be fixed in an instant. Jesus could have easily yelled and screamed (remember Jesus in the temple in Matthew 21:12-13...he went a little crazy!), but that would have only escalated the situation...not defused it.

2) Once her accusers had fled and Jesus told her to rise, He was silent about her sin. Because it wasn't important? No...they both knew the truth, but at that moment in her life, Jesus knew that GRACE was more important to her healing.

Is silence easy? No...heck no! But it is sometimes necessary. Don't become angry with God because he is asking for silence...use it to increase your prayers on their behalf and time searching the word so that when your time of silence is over, you are prepared for the next step in the journey of grace with them.

And it is my prayer that this is only a season of silence for us both.

In Grace,

Keri

PS my image was made using Rhonna Farrer's iPhone app! It's my favorite.