The Grace Journal

The Choice to Carry Guilt

It has been while since have written here.

1 year and 1 day to be exact.

I have been sharing mainly on Facebook and Instagram, but have really been wanting to pour out more than you can really fit in those forums.

So...I am back to The Grace Journal and today...I want to talk about guilt.

Recently, I have come across 3 beautiful women in 3 different situations but all with one common denominator...

One girl talked about how her father committed suicide and it happened shortly after she was unable to make a visit to see him. She feels guilty because she feels she could have stopped him had she just made that visit.
Another was told by her doctor that she can not longer do certain activities because her body just isn't physically capable at the moment. She feels guilty because she was unable to reach her goal.
Another was an 82 year old women I met recently after a talk I gave. She pulled me aside and confided in me a secret she had only told her husband...that she had been raped at 14. She looked at me and said "Sometimes I still wonder what I did wrong that he would do that to me." She feel guilty because she feels she must have done something to deserve his violent attack on her person.

What do all these women have in common?

GUILT.

In Psalm 38:4, David laments "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear."

He describes guilt as a heavy burden and that is exactly what it is.

Guilt is a weight.

It creates walls between us and other.

It creates heartache that holds us hostage.

It creates distrust in ourselves.

But you know the difference between David and the three ladies I mentioned?

David was guilty over situations of his own doing.

These 3 ladies are carrying guilt over things that they have no control over.

Her father CHOSE to end his life...it was not her decision.

Her doctor told her that she could not meet her goal at this time...it was not her decision.

A man chose to rape a 14 year old girl....it was not her decision.

So here is my question....if it was not your decision....why carry the guilt?

Why do we assume the guilt of others as though it is our's?

There are things in our life that are beyond our control.

Bad things happen that we have no choice but we suffer the emotional fall-out that follows them.

Back in old testament times, there was a thing called a Guilt Offering.

It was used for a variety of purposes (you can read about it in detail in the book of Leviticus in the Bible), like legal guilt or emotional guilt and it could be a sacrifice on behalf one person or the community as a whole.

It consisted of a ram or bull killed, drained of it's blood and burned on the sacrificial alter in the tabernacle.

{Sounds gross right?!}

But how often do we do the same thing emotionally, mentally and spiritually?

We sacrifice our happiness on the altar of guilt.

We sacrifice our relationships on the altar of guilt.

We sacrifice our peace on the altar of guilt.

We sacrifice our future on the altar of guilt.

We sacrifice all these things on an altar that doesn't even exist any more.

Hebrews 10:10 says "...we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once and for all."

Jesus was the final sacrifice for our guilt....whether it be our personal guilt because of what we've done or the assumed guilt brought on by the actions of others.

If it wasn't your decision...it's not your guilt to carry.

Lay it down.

It might take intentionally laying it down everyday...every hour, but eventually you won't have to lay it down again, because you never picked it back up in the first place.

There are those who are struggling with infertility and you feel guilty because your body has betrayed you..but it was not your decision so it's not your guilt.

There are those who were abandoned by a father and you feel guilty for not having that relationship and for all the emotional fall-out HIS decision has caused you...but it was not your decision so it's not your guilt.

There are those of you who are going through a divorce because you spouse has decided to walk away and you are bearing the guilt of a failed marriage...but it was not your decision so it's not your guilt.

There are those of you who have been praying for and seeking answers for a loved one and THEY are still choosing a self-destructive path and you are feeling guilty because you feel if you could just DO MORE or SAY MORE or somehow REACH them...they could be saved...but...it's not your decision...it's their's...so it's not your guilt.

Let it go.

Lay it down.

Daily. Hourly. Every minute if need be.

Love yourself enough to know that you were worth dying for and the Jesus was your final guilt offering so that you have no need of carrying it anymore.

In His Love and By His Grace,

KERI

Life is hard. There is no denying it.

We travel this road of life doing our best to follow the "right" path and do the "right" thing, but what happens when we don't? What happens when we get off on the wrong exit? Are we forever stuck where we don't want to be?

I was thinking about that today while driving home from the grocery store (my kids are all in school or else deep thoughts would not have been occurring. LOL)

I had stopped to get gas and wondered if there was a different way to get to my house from this particular gas station and I thought "but what if I get lost?" and immediately the next thought was "oh...mapquest can just reroute me."

As I got back in my car, I kept thinking of that idea and how dependent we are on technology to get us where we need to be (hello...does any one even OWN a paper map anymore!?)

And then...I had this thought:

God is our Mapquest. His perfect will is the highway is paved with the perfect plans and shined down upon by the perfect weather.

However, life is not perfect. We are human. There will always been things and people that will cause us to exit.

(1) Sin.

The obvious first reason is just flat our bad choices. We sleep with that girl/boy we barely know. We click on that link to that website that we know we shouldn't. We return that text to someone who isn't our spouse. The list goes on and on.

BUT...your are not alone. Romans 3:23 says "for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." The difference being...what do you do once you get off the highway?

Do you acknowledge "I missed up." and get right back on the highway? OR Do you make that right turn and keep going...allowing yourself to get further and further from the highway.

(2) People

There will always be people who use their freewill to mess with your journey. Their choices will force your off an exit you never thought your would be on. Your spouse comes home and surprises you with divorce papers. Someone makes the choice to drink and drive and you or someone you love becomes the victim. Someone steals your identity and ruins your excellent credit.

NONE of these are your fault, but they still cause us to exit.

Some exits are short because circumstances are easily fixed...like when you realize "oh wait...my exit is the next one" and you get right back on the highway.

Some are a little longer...like when you get off on the wrong exit, make a right turn, and end up on some crazy detour through Timbuktu before joyously finally seeing the highway sign again.

BUT...just because it's long doesn't always mean it can't be beautiful. Have you ever taken a wrong turn and although you're stressed out, you look around and see just acres and acres of beautiful wheat fields blowing in the breeze? Or passed by a crystal lake and seen the birds diving for fish? Or stopped at a hole in the wall restaurant for directions and found the BEST apple pie you have ever eaten?

Sometimes we just have to make the best of an exit until God is able to turn our car back to the highway.

(3) Outside Circumstances

No one wakes up one morning and says "Today...I'm going to get cancer." or "Today...I choose to be infertile." or "Today...I choose to have my house burnt the ground."

There will always be things in life that we don't understand. That is where faith comes in to play.

The very definition of faith is spelled out in Verse 1 of Hebrews 11 "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence not seen."

Even though you don't SEE evidence of the scripture on healing that says "who [God] forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases" {Psalm 103:3} or 1 Peter 2:24 "by his stripes your are healed" it doesn't mean that healing does not exist. It is just an exit.

In God's perfect will...there is not sickness or headache. It is just that...perfect.

HOWEVER...we live in a fallen world...with fallen people and fallen experiences.

BUT...here's the good news...Jeremiah 29:11-13 says God has "plans" for us. Plural. As in more than one.

I clicked through almost 40 version of the bible looking at this scripture and even though some said "thoughts" and some said "plans" one thing was the same...they all were plural forms of the word.

GOD HAS PLANS.

And even better...if you read the whole scripture is says 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen.13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.

Those PLANS...all of them? THEY ARE GOOD! No plan that is God's is second best. Romans 8:28 says "All things work for my good."

Couple that with the multiple PLANS he has for you and that tells me that no matter what...even the bad exits can be worked for your good and the good of those around you.

Exits will happen in life. BUT God has so many plans to always help guide you back to his perfect will for you.

The question is...will you allow him to get you back to the highway...or do you choose to stay on the exit?

Until next time.

KERI

There's a Bird on my Window

There's a bird on my window

Fighting to get in

He jumps and flutters

And struggles against the pane

What is he searching for?

What does he need?

Why does he beat his breast

Against the glass?

Does he want what I have?

Four walls, warmth, and food?

Does it look better

From the outside looking in?

But doesn't he know

Doesn't he understand

On the outside he is free

With wings to fly anywhere?

In here, he would be a prisoner

In here, he would be caged.

He is where is should be

If he just chose to see it.

See this little guy? This is the second morning he has spent on my bedroom window. He jumps and throws himself against the glass, before resting a moment and then trying again.

Staring at him for the last couple of days gave me this thought: Why Am I like this bird?

Throwing myself against the pane of expectations and dreams and hopes. All I am doing is hurting myself and wasting time looking through a window to a place that is not meant for me, while ignoring the whole world I have on my side of the glass.

This bird has wings...he could fly anywhere. Be with other birds. Eat worm. Find berries. Find love. Start a family.

But instead....he is painfully beating himself against the window...striving to be in a place that once he was there...would only be a cage and he would lose the ability to fly the skies of the world.

Why are we like that sometimes? We throw ourselves against the window pane of success or praise or admiration or passion or acceptance...not realizing that once we got there..we are trapped in a cage of our own doing. We lose our ability to fly...to be free...to see the world through God's eyes.

Today...you and I can choose...freedom or captivity...joy or sorrow...life or death.

Because...you see...if this little bird continues to make this choice to try to enter my house through this window...to strive for something that is not meant for him...HE WILL DIE. Or at the very least, become malnourished to the point where he no longer has the strength to hold on and HE WILL FALL.

We are the same...in the end...it is either life or death. We choose...relationships live or die...our spirit lives or dies...our joy lives or dies...just by where we CHOOSE to keep our focus....

looking in the window of someone else's house or looking into the vast open world that is our own life.

Choose Carefully. Choose Daily. Choose Life.

XOXO,

KERI

Today I have to write an email that scares me to death.

You see there is a person who doesn't understand why I don't want to have a relationship with them.

In the past, they have done things to hurt me and 4 years ago, I cut ties with them. Their words have always been "I didn't meant to hurt you.", but never admitting "I did wrong." Never admitting to what they did.

And for me...that is a brick wall.

I have forgiven them and am working on my own healing regarding the situation, but the idea of pursuing any kind of relationship with the person causes a near panic attack.

About a month ago, I received an email from them once again...not understanding my lack of "forgiveness" and my need for distance.

In the past, I have always tip-toed around things because I was scared of hurting the other person, but I have come to realize I am hurting someone anyway...myself.

Although, I have unpacked my emotional "backpack", they are all still lying around me, like land mines. The only way to finally sweep them away where they can't do any damage is to stop ignoring them and face my fears.

Ephesians 4:15 says we must speak the "truth in love" and I LOVE myself more now than I ever have in my entire life so I can no longer lie to myself and mute my feelings to protect others at the expense of freeing my soul from it's prison.

I will not be speaking in anger and I think that is why I am ready to take this step. Nothing good would come for me or them if I spoke only in anger.

Psalm 37:8 says "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it only leads to evil."

My purpose is not in evil or wrath...my purpose is in releasing the fear that this situation has held me in for 4 years so that I can stop holding on to the past and move forward.

Proverbs 4:25-26 says: "Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. "

I am choosing to look forward...and to do that...I can't be afraid and be a prisoner of my past anymore.

Today...I pray you will choose to love yourself enough to speak the truth to others in love, without fear or anger, so that your soul can be free from it's prison.

Until next time my friends,

KERI

Life can be a desert sometimes.

Others don't treat you the way you feel you should be treated. One situation after another doesn't go the way you had hoped. Your heart in constantly hurting and you wonder if it will ever be whole again.

You are trudging through an emotional and spiritual wasteland.

Sound familiar?

Deserts are a part of life. Such a big part of our human experience that the Bible takes up almost 4 whole books at the beginning of the Old Testament recounting the Israelites wandering the desert for 40 years.

And this wasn't an emotional desert...this was a physical desert...scorching heat...no water...no signs of civilization...no confirmation that leaving Egypt was a good decision.

During the beginning of their journey, they began to run out of rations and as we all know...hungry people...are grumpy people. They began to complain...going as far as to say "we should have never left Egypt in the first place!"

Then in Exodus 16 God hears them. And sends a substance the Israelites named "manna" that miraculously appeared every morning.

And it sustained them. They didn't understand how it got there and in the beginning it was weird, but through the 40 years of wandering...it became a daily comfort that they would not starve and a daily reminder that God was watching over them.

In the desert of life...faith is our manna. It is the thing that...while we might not always understand...it will sustain us.

I'm sure there were days when the Israelites got up and thought "not manna again!" And there will be days where you think "not living by faith again!" On the hard days, it has to become a conscious choice.

The Israelites could have gone a few days without eating the manna that was provided, but after a while...it would have been detrimental to their health. The same goes for us...faith feeds our spiritual/emotional/mental needs.

As 2014 comes to a close, I pray you grab hold of faith in 2015 and allow it to be your daily nourishment during times of drought.

Xoxo,

Keri

How are you feeling today?

No...I don't mean physically...like are you still stuffed from all those yummy Thanksgiving foods? :)

I mean...how are you FEELING EMOTIONALLY?

It's a tough question for some.

As Christian (and even if you're not) some of us are programmed from childhood to see emotions through black and white lenses...good emotions are good...bad emotions are bad. Cut and dry...that's it.

And then what do we do? We stuff emotions such as anger, fear, depression, bitterness and hurt down deep inside because after all..."The JOY of the Lord is my strength" Nehemiah 8:10 says so every emotion must be happy or I am weak in faith.

Sound familiar?

I have recently started a book that my counselor recommneded called "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazzero and in chapter 2 he lists the top 10 Symptoms of Emotionally Unhealthy Spirituality.

Number 2 was: ignoring the emotions of anger, sadness and fear.

And there was this quote:

What exactly does it mean? Let's break it down.

To feel is human. Feelings are a natural part of our genetic make up. Our bodies are designed to release adrenaline when we are scared, serotonin when we are happy, leucine-enkephalin when we are sad and so many other hormones and chemicals that engrained within our bodies that all have to do with FEELINGS.

To minimize or deny what we feel. Minimize is to lower our emotional needs for the sake of someone else. Are there times this is necessary? Yes, but if it is a recurring theme in your life, the build up of back logged emotions can be hazardous physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. To outright deny they exist is taking the disaster of minimizing and multiplying it times 10.

This was me. My therapist and I use the analogy of a backpack. Instead of dealing with my issues, I denied they existed by stuffing them away and pretending they didn't exist, when all the while my mental/emotional "backpack" became heavier and heavier with these bricks of negative emotions that I began to stumble and there was little to no room for the good stuff.

Is a distortion. One of the 3 definitions of distortion is this: the act of giving a misleading account or impression {the other 2 definitions are science based.}

Of what it means to be image bearers. What is an image bearer? Simply someone who reflects back an image...a physical mirror if you will.

Of our personal God. This is where decisions need to made. Who/what is your personal God? Is your job? Is your status? Even our EMOTIONS can become our God if we choose to live in drama and only feel "alive" when you are needed as an emotional sounding board.

If you're a believer...your personal God is ..well GOD with a BIG G ad I've heard people say and you know what? Our God is an emotional God!

Here's a few examples:

"For GOD so LOVED the World..." John 3:16

"You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a JEALOUS God..." Exodus 20:5

"The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul HATES the wicked and the one who loves violence." Psalm 11:5

"I will REJOICE in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul." Jeremiah 32:41

If we are image bearers of God and HE has emotions (both positive and negative), then WHY do we feel the need to push our's down...to minimize or even deny them? They are a part of who we are just as much as our faith is.

The trick is to find BALANCE.

First Peter 5:8 says:

8 Be well balanced (temperate--aka self-controlled) be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring, seeking someone to seize upon and devour.

Satan would like nothing more than to have you RULED by your emotions rather than being a holy reflection of God given emotions.

Take a minute and write down the first 5 emotions that come to mind when you think about your life. Don't over think it...just be honest and write down whatever pops in. Now look at them...are any of them negative? Chances are...atleast 1 or 2 or maybe even more.

Pray on those. Ask God for guidance of why you are feeling that way. Is there a recent situation or a past issue you haven't dealt with?

Talk to someone you trust (not everyone is worthy of your business!) Lay out how you feel and maybe they can help you figure out why. Maybe you need someone with training, like a pastor or a counselor. And that's OK! Don't add fear to your list...we all need help from time to time.

Being healthy emotionally opens up doors to a better life, but we can't be if we don't acknowledge what is wrong.

Until next time.

Xoxo,

Keri

Ps. Here is the book I referenced:

PSS. As always...my image was made using the Rhonna Farrer iPhone App.

Broken dreams hurt.

Anyone who says otherwise has either never dreamed big and failed or is a big fat liar. (Lol)

If you care about something enough to dream of it and pursue it it means you have put your very HEART on the line for the sake of this thing you are pursuing. And when it doesn't happen the way we dreamed it would or doesn't happen at all, our heart is broken and we are in pain and mourning over our lose.

Then you're left wondering "Why not? Why me? I tried so hard." And then doubt seeps in "Maybe I'm not that good." "Maybe I did something wrong." "What is wrong with me?"

Ever been there? I have. More times than I've wanted to be. And I have allowed those doubts and thoughts to roam around my brain, keeping me preoccupied and down and prisoner.

But..what if I told you...there is more dreams to be dreamt and more hopes to be had? What would you say?

This morning, I saw this quote from Pastor Mark Barnett from The Dream Center and it said "At the end of a broken dream is always a new one." And at first I'm like "oh what a positive happy-go-lucky-unicorns-and-rainbows outlook on life." (Anybody else feel that way when you're in a rough patch and see something like this?!?!)

After a few minutes of internally laughing at my own hilarity (did I mention it was EARLY this morning?), I said to myself "ok...this guy is a well respected pastor...there has to some biblical backing to this statement."

It was then that I remembered the beginning of Jeremiah 29:11:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD...

Do you see it? Do you see the promise of infinite dreams? It's small and easy to miss, but it's there....

It's PLANS...with an a S...that means multiple paths your life can take...not just one.

And what's even better...read the second half of the verse:

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. {bold added by me.}

No matter which one of God's PLANS we are on...they are ALL GOOD. They are for us to be prosperous, unharmed and to have a hopeful future.

Does that mean they will always be smooth sailing? No because we live in a world of humans who make mistakes and a sinful world that would like nothing more than to make you THINK you are alone.

Does that mean all your dreams will come true like a Disney Princess? No...because our dreams are not always God's dreams and sometimes God always OUR dreams to be interrupted because he has something BETTER in mind for his children.

It is very easy for us to get hung up on what "could have been" or what we wanted and lose sight of the GOOD that can come over that dream being gone.

One of the comments on this quote on facebook referenced a book by an author named Larry Crabb named "Shattered Dreams" and he said it so well: "Sometimes God shatters lower dreams, so that He can reveal higher dreams to us."

Be open to higher dreams...even if it means having to break a few lower dreams along the way.

Xoxo,

Keri.

The Grace Journal

The Choice to Carry Guilt

About Me

Blog Archive

About

Popular Posts

Search This Blog