The Grace Journal : 2014

Life can be a desert sometimes.

Others don't treat you the way you feel you should be treated. One situation after another doesn't go the way you had hoped. Your heart in constantly hurting and you wonder if it will ever be whole again.

You are trudging through an emotional and spiritual wasteland.

Sound familiar?

Deserts are a part of life. Such a big part of our human experience that the Bible takes up almost 4 whole books at the beginning of the Old Testament recounting the Israelites wandering the desert for 40 years.

And this wasn't an emotional desert...this was a physical desert...scorching heat...no water...no signs of civilization...no confirmation that leaving Egypt was a good decision.

During the beginning of their journey, they began to run out of rations and as we all know...hungry people...are grumpy people. They began to complain...going as far as to say "we should have never left Egypt in the first place!"

Then in Exodus 16 God hears them. And sends a substance the Israelites named "manna" that miraculously appeared every morning.

And it sustained them. They didn't understand how it got there and in the beginning it was weird, but through the 40 years of wandering...it became a daily comfort that they would not starve and a daily reminder that God was watching over them.

In the desert of life...faith is our manna. It is the thing that...while we might not always understand...it will sustain us.

I'm sure there were days when the Israelites got up and thought "not manna again!" And there will be days where you think "not living by faith again!" On the hard days, it has to become a conscious choice.

The Israelites could have gone a few days without eating the manna that was provided, but after a while...it would have been detrimental to their health. The same goes for us...faith feeds our spiritual/emotional/mental needs.

As 2014 comes to a close, I pray you grab hold of faith in 2015 and allow it to be your daily nourishment during times of drought.

Xoxo,

Keri

How are you feeling today?

No...I don't mean physically...like are you still stuffed from all those yummy Thanksgiving foods? :)

I mean...how are you FEELING EMOTIONALLY?

It's a tough question for some.

As Christian (and even if you're not) some of us are programmed from childhood to see emotions through black and white lenses...good emotions are good...bad emotions are bad. Cut and dry...that's it.

And then what do we do? We stuff emotions such as anger, fear, depression, bitterness and hurt down deep inside because after all..."The JOY of the Lord is my strength" Nehemiah 8:10 says so every emotion must be happy or I am weak in faith.

Sound familiar?

I have recently started a book that my counselor recommneded called "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazzero and in chapter 2 he lists the top 10 Symptoms of Emotionally Unhealthy Spirituality.

Number 2 was: ignoring the emotions of anger, sadness and fear.

And there was this quote:

What exactly does it mean? Let's break it down.

To feel is human. Feelings are a natural part of our genetic make up. Our bodies are designed to release adrenaline when we are scared, serotonin when we are happy, leucine-enkephalin when we are sad and so many other hormones and chemicals that engrained within our bodies that all have to do with FEELINGS.

To minimize or deny what we feel. Minimize is to lower our emotional needs for the sake of someone else. Are there times this is necessary? Yes, but if it is a recurring theme in your life, the build up of back logged emotions can be hazardous physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. To outright deny they exist is taking the disaster of minimizing and multiplying it times 10.

This was me. My therapist and I use the analogy of a backpack. Instead of dealing with my issues, I denied they existed by stuffing them away and pretending they didn't exist, when all the while my mental/emotional "backpack" became heavier and heavier with these bricks of negative emotions that I began to stumble and there was little to no room for the good stuff.

Is a distortion. One of the 3 definitions of distortion is this: the act of giving a misleading account or impression {the other 2 definitions are science based.}

Of what it means to be image bearers. What is an image bearer? Simply someone who reflects back an image...a physical mirror if you will.

Of our personal God. This is where decisions need to made. Who/what is your personal God? Is your job? Is your status? Even our EMOTIONS can become our God if we choose to live in drama and only feel "alive" when you are needed as an emotional sounding board.

If you're a believer...your personal God is ..well GOD with a BIG G ad I've heard people say and you know what? Our God is an emotional God!

Here's a few examples:

"For GOD so LOVED the World..." John 3:16

"You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a JEALOUS God..." Exodus 20:5

"The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul HATES the wicked and the one who loves violence." Psalm 11:5

"I will REJOICE in doing them good, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul." Jeremiah 32:41

If we are image bearers of God and HE has emotions (both positive and negative), then WHY do we feel the need to push our's down...to minimize or even deny them? They are a part of who we are just as much as our faith is.

The trick is to find BALANCE.

First Peter 5:8 says:

8 Be well balanced (temperate--aka self-controlled) be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring, seeking someone to seize upon and devour.

Satan would like nothing more than to have you RULED by your emotions rather than being a holy reflection of God given emotions.

Take a minute and write down the first 5 emotions that come to mind when you think about your life. Don't over think it...just be honest and write down whatever pops in. Now look at them...are any of them negative? Chances are...atleast 1 or 2 or maybe even more.

Pray on those. Ask God for guidance of why you are feeling that way. Is there a recent situation or a past issue you haven't dealt with?

Talk to someone you trust (not everyone is worthy of your business!) Lay out how you feel and maybe they can help you figure out why. Maybe you need someone with training, like a pastor or a counselor. And that's OK! Don't add fear to your list...we all need help from time to time.

Being healthy emotionally opens up doors to a better life, but we can't be if we don't acknowledge what is wrong.

Until next time.

Xoxo,

Keri

Ps. Here is the book I referenced:

PSS. As always...my image was made using the Rhonna Farrer iPhone App.

Broken dreams hurt.

Anyone who says otherwise has either never dreamed big and failed or is a big fat liar. (Lol)

If you care about something enough to dream of it and pursue it it means you have put your very HEART on the line for the sake of this thing you are pursuing. And when it doesn't happen the way we dreamed it would or doesn't happen at all, our heart is broken and we are in pain and mourning over our lose.

Then you're left wondering "Why not? Why me? I tried so hard." And then doubt seeps in "Maybe I'm not that good." "Maybe I did something wrong." "What is wrong with me?"

Ever been there? I have. More times than I've wanted to be. And I have allowed those doubts and thoughts to roam around my brain, keeping me preoccupied and down and prisoner.

But..what if I told you...there is more dreams to be dreamt and more hopes to be had? What would you say?

This morning, I saw this quote from Pastor Mark Barnett from The Dream Center and it said "At the end of a broken dream is always a new one." And at first I'm like "oh what a positive happy-go-lucky-unicorns-and-rainbows outlook on life." (Anybody else feel that way when you're in a rough patch and see something like this?!?!)

After a few minutes of internally laughing at my own hilarity (did I mention it was EARLY this morning?), I said to myself "ok...this guy is a well respected pastor...there has to some biblical backing to this statement."

It was then that I remembered the beginning of Jeremiah 29:11:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD...

Do you see it? Do you see the promise of infinite dreams? It's small and easy to miss, but it's there....

It's PLANS...with an a S...that means multiple paths your life can take...not just one.

And what's even better...read the second half of the verse:

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. {bold added by me.}

No matter which one of God's PLANS we are on...they are ALL GOOD. They are for us to be prosperous, unharmed and to have a hopeful future.

Does that mean they will always be smooth sailing? No because we live in a world of humans who make mistakes and a sinful world that would like nothing more than to make you THINK you are alone.

Does that mean all your dreams will come true like a Disney Princess? No...because our dreams are not always God's dreams and sometimes God always OUR dreams to be interrupted because he has something BETTER in mind for his children.

It is very easy for us to get hung up on what "could have been" or what we wanted and lose sight of the GOOD that can come over that dream being gone.

One of the comments on this quote on facebook referenced a book by an author named Larry Crabb named "Shattered Dreams" and he said it so well: "Sometimes God shatters lower dreams, so that He can reveal higher dreams to us."

Be open to higher dreams...even if it means having to break a few lower dreams along the way.

Xoxo,

Keri.

I am a thief.

I regularly take from others what doesn't belong to me.

I stuff it in my backpack and collect these things that belong to others to the point where I am weighed down with it.

With my thefts come guilt, condemnation, exhaustion and fear.

What is this thing that turns me into a perpetual cleptomaniac?

Blame.

When a volital situation arises and the other party lays the blame at my feet (or a situation arises and I lay the blame at my own feet), it has been my history to pick it up because it MUST be my fault. "It's always my fault." Says that little wounded inner child who lives in fear of abandonment and has to be a people pleaser or she will be left alone...again.

But...as I grow in Christ...and slowly begin to take hold of His promises of a life that is GOOD, I am realizing more and more that it's NOT always my fault and taking the blame does NOTHING to makes life more productive or fruitful in God's kingdom.

So...I've devised a checklist that I go through to decided whether the blame truly is mine:

1) Is this something God has been dealing with you already?

God is not a teenage girl...he is not going to go to someone else with your business UNLESS he has already tried to get through to you and you didn't listen.

It's OK to admit that you missed what God was saying and sometimes missing God's message causes us to hurt others. Then yes...there is need to make reconciliation.

Did you answer "no?" (Don't take this flippantly...REALLY PRAY to hear the voice of God.) Then there is most likely an issue within that other person that has nothing to do with you. Pray for them and move on. If they insist that you are to blame but you have peace that you aren't...you politely say "Thank you for being open to the Holy Spirit, but I've prayed about this and I don't feel this word it for me." And you walk away.

2) Is what is being said done in love or accusation?

How does it make you feel? Although we shouldn't be always led by our feelings, there are times when that "feeling" is that check in your Holy Spirit saying "Hold on...this ain't right."

Ephesians 4:15a says "Instead, we will speak the truth in LOVE..."

Truth should ALWAYS be accompanied by love...if it's not...it's not God.

3) Does what is being said lead you to Christ!? Or does the blame you have chosen to pick up lead you to make decisions to better yourself or is it just a weight, dragging you down?

The second half of Ephesians 4:15 says "...growing in EVERY WAY more and more like Christ..."

If the situation needing mending is God-breathed and not man-issued, then it will lead you closer to Christ and not drive a wedge between you because our goal as Christians is to BE LIKE Christ...not to the point of being distracted by perfection, but rather to live the BEST Life we can.

I have dealt with this a lot...with different people and different situations and I have found these 3 questions INVALUABLE to dealing with the Blame Game.

Sometimes...I AM wrong and I have to work to mend things.

Sometimes after answering these questions...I am brought to the realization that {SURPRISE!}...IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

I am being a THIEF of someone else's blame and allowing it to weigh me down while it does NOTHING to make my life better.

The only thing that being a THIEF does is make you a PRISONER of your own mind and allows you only temporary visitation with the AMAZING life God has for you because you are trapped behind the bars of someone else's issues.

So... I have to daily make the decision to drop it....like it's hot...like a hot tamale...and run like a scared girl from a giant spider! Just run away from that prison and run to God who is the giver of all FREEDOM...even freedom from ourselves.

Xoxo

Keri

	Eph 4:15	Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.

I'm a backpacker.

Not a granola eating, Birkenstock wearing, outdoor camping and enjoying it kinda backpacker.

I'm an emotional backpacker.

Even before my counselor used that term, I knew the concept well. When problems and feelings would arise, rather than deal with them, I would stuff them down inside...into my emotional backpack.

In the beginning...it was merely uncomfortable...like when you bring a purse that is too big and heavy on a long shopping trip. It's more annoying than anything, but you'll survive.

However, as time went on and my backpack got fuller and fuller of issues and hurt feelings and secrets, I began to stumble under the weight.

Once the weight became too much to bear...it began to control my life. It was my master.

My emotional baggage told me everyone would leave me, so don't get close. So I didn't.

My emotional baggage told me you have to be perfect or no one would love you. So I tried.

My emotional baggage told me you are unworthy. And I believed it.

My emotional baggage told me no one would miss me if I was gone so if I killed myself, I wouldn't matter. And I thought long and hard about doing just that.

I was a slave....controlled by my issues to the point for constant nerves, self-doubt and self-destruction.

After finding Christ, I had to make a decision: who was my master?

In Matthew 6:24 says it so well "No one can serve two masters. You will either love one and hate the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other."

Although this particular passage is in regards to money, the truth still holds: you can not truly love something if your attention is divided.

Why do you think Abraham Lincoln said "a house divided against itself can not stand." He understood the concept that division leads to death.

So you have to decide...what do you want from life: life or death? Light or dark?

For me, I had to make the decision to not just empty by emotional backpack, but to deal with the incidences in my life that led me to have those emotions in the first place.

It is a process that is still going on. I still see a counselor to talk through my past and some of my present. Some days are better than others, but I have made the choice to serve only one master...and it's not my emotions. All they've done it cause me heart ache and pain.

Instead, I am daily making the concious choice to allow Christ and his word to be my guide...my master if you will. And unlike being ruled by my emotions, Christ is not a heavy load.

Matthew 11:30 says "my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Ask yourself...who's master today?

In Love,

Keri

Hello Friends and welcome to The Grace Journal.

This is my place to just be me and I hope you will find it a place of openness and honesty...of passion and praise...of truth and hope.

It was never my intention to set out to do a blog like this. I have my artistic blog which I struggle to keep up (I would much rather be making things! Lol), but lately I've found myself posting words of encouragement and scriptures on Instagram more and more. I feel like I've reached the point where Instagram isn't enough space for what is on my heart and for the words God has given me.

So....here I am. Just a girl sharing her heart with you.

And today....my heart is more than a little broken.

Someone I love dearly is struggling fiercely and I must remain silent. I must walk the fine line between between not condoning and not condemning, while my soul screams out to try to "fix" the situation.

It hurts...deeply.

I am mad at God...how could he let this happen to her? I'm mad at others involved...how could they say they love her as much as I do, but allow this to happen? I'm mad at myself for not having the right words to say to "fix" it.

So I pray and remain silent. And I cry and remain silent. I am supportive as much as I can be and remain silent.

And I have to remember that I am in good company in my silence....even the son of God chose moments of silence.

In John 8:1-11, we find the story of the woman caught in adultry, where 2 seperate times, Jesus chose to be silent:

1) When the Pharisees brought the woman and wanted...no...demanded that Jesus judge her...Jesus was silent as he wrote in the dust.

I wonder...was he taking that moment to ask His father "What should I do?" Or was it far less spiritual and he was allowing the crowd a time to simmer down?

Both are very valid reasons...

Silence is the only was to hear from God. If you are always doing the talking...when are you listening?

And time...no situation is built in an instant so it will not be fixed in an instant. Jesus could have easily yelled and screamed (remember Jesus in the temple in Matthew 21:12-13...he went a little crazy!), but that would have only escalated the situation...not defused it.

2) Once her accusers had fled and Jesus told her to rise, He was silent about her sin. Because it wasn't important? No...they both knew the truth, but at that moment in her life, Jesus knew that GRACE was more important to her healing.

Is silence easy? No...heck no! But it is sometimes necessary. Don't become angry with God because he is asking for silence...use it to increase your prayers on their behalf and time searching the word so that when your time of silence is over, you are prepared for the next step in the journey of grace with them.

And it is my prayer that this is only a season of silence for us both.

In Grace,

Keri

PS my image was made using Rhonna Farrer's iPhone app! It's my favorite.