The Grace Journal : October 2014

I'm a backpacker.

Not a granola eating, Birkenstock wearing, outdoor camping and enjoying it kinda backpacker.

I'm an emotional backpacker.

Even before my counselor used that term, I knew the concept well. When problems and feelings would arise, rather than deal with them, I would stuff them down inside...into my emotional backpack.

In the beginning...it was merely uncomfortable...like when you bring a purse that is too big and heavy on a long shopping trip. It's more annoying than anything, but you'll survive.

However, as time went on and my backpack got fuller and fuller of issues and hurt feelings and secrets, I began to stumble under the weight.

Once the weight became too much to bear...it began to control my life. It was my master.

My emotional baggage told me everyone would leave me, so don't get close. So I didn't.

My emotional baggage told me you have to be perfect or no one would love you. So I tried.

My emotional baggage told me you are unworthy. And I believed it.

My emotional baggage told me no one would miss me if I was gone so if I killed myself, I wouldn't matter. And I thought long and hard about doing just that.

I was a slave....controlled by my issues to the point for constant nerves, self-doubt and self-destruction.

After finding Christ, I had to make a decision: who was my master?

In Matthew 6:24 says it so well "No one can serve two masters. You will either love one and hate the other, or you will be devoted to one and despise the other."

Although this particular passage is in regards to money, the truth still holds: you can not truly love something if your attention is divided.

Why do you think Abraham Lincoln said "a house divided against itself can not stand." He understood the concept that division leads to death.

So you have to decide...what do you want from life: life or death? Light or dark?

For me, I had to make the decision to not just empty by emotional backpack, but to deal with the incidences in my life that led me to have those emotions in the first place.

It is a process that is still going on. I still see a counselor to talk through my past and some of my present. Some days are better than others, but I have made the choice to serve only one master...and it's not my emotions. All they've done it cause me heart ache and pain.

Instead, I am daily making the concious choice to allow Christ and his word to be my guide...my master if you will. And unlike being ruled by my emotions, Christ is not a heavy load.

Matthew 11:30 says "my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Ask yourself...who's master today?

In Love,

Keri

Hello Friends and welcome to The Grace Journal.

This is my place to just be me and I hope you will find it a place of openness and honesty...of passion and praise...of truth and hope.

It was never my intention to set out to do a blog like this. I have my artistic blog which I struggle to keep up (I would much rather be making things! Lol), but lately I've found myself posting words of encouragement and scriptures on Instagram more and more. I feel like I've reached the point where Instagram isn't enough space for what is on my heart and for the words God has given me.

So....here I am. Just a girl sharing her heart with you.

And today....my heart is more than a little broken.

Someone I love dearly is struggling fiercely and I must remain silent. I must walk the fine line between between not condoning and not condemning, while my soul screams out to try to "fix" the situation.

It hurts...deeply.

I am mad at God...how could he let this happen to her? I'm mad at others involved...how could they say they love her as much as I do, but allow this to happen? I'm mad at myself for not having the right words to say to "fix" it.

So I pray and remain silent. And I cry and remain silent. I am supportive as much as I can be and remain silent.

And I have to remember that I am in good company in my silence....even the son of God chose moments of silence.

In John 8:1-11, we find the story of the woman caught in adultry, where 2 seperate times, Jesus chose to be silent:

1) When the Pharisees brought the woman and wanted...no...demanded that Jesus judge her...Jesus was silent as he wrote in the dust.

I wonder...was he taking that moment to ask His father "What should I do?" Or was it far less spiritual and he was allowing the crowd a time to simmer down?

Both are very valid reasons...

Silence is the only was to hear from God. If you are always doing the talking...when are you listening?

And time...no situation is built in an instant so it will not be fixed in an instant. Jesus could have easily yelled and screamed (remember Jesus in the temple in Matthew 21:12-13...he went a little crazy!), but that would have only escalated the situation...not defused it.

2) Once her accusers had fled and Jesus told her to rise, He was silent about her sin. Because it wasn't important? No...they both knew the truth, but at that moment in her life, Jesus knew that GRACE was more important to her healing.

Is silence easy? No...heck no! But it is sometimes necessary. Don't become angry with God because he is asking for silence...use it to increase your prayers on their behalf and time searching the word so that when your time of silence is over, you are prepared for the next step in the journey of grace with them.

And it is my prayer that this is only a season of silence for us both.

In Grace,

Keri

PS my image was made using Rhonna Farrer's iPhone app! It's my favorite.